Author: eddisonwilkinson

Week of 1.23-1.27

Posted on by eddisonwilkinson

  1. Kevin McCarthy promises that Republicans have no plans to change medicare or social security as they look to overhaul federal spending. He promises that republicans ‘won’t touch’ these services, but depending on the votes needed to pass their agenda he is willing to sniff it or give it a light poke. 
  2. Jimmy Kimmel has revealed Snoop Dogg’s dressing room asks, which include: “regular” Doritos, “flavored” Doritos, a six pack of cranberry juice, one gallon of Minute Maid Fruit Punch, and a bag of honey BBQ Frito chips. This list is either for a group of adult aged stoners or your second grade brother’s sleepover.
    1. “Snoop you’ve been hogging the playstation controller.”
      1. Snoop voice: If you don’t like my rules, you can lizzle my hizzle. Where the pizza rolls? I’m tired of video games, y’all f*** with Bluey??? Don’t use my daddy’s account, he be buggin about my screentime.
  3. Rege-Jean Page was deemed practically perfect for his 93% facial symmetry according to the Greek Golden Ratio of Beauty Phi, which measures physical perfection. Other nearly perfect faces include Michael B. Jordan, Harry Styles, and George Santos who self-reported a 99% facial symmetry. He’s perfect-ish.
  4. Crissy Tiegen appeared on Instagram dawning a dress that had milk breast stains or what the Florida education system calls, “Mommy’s nipple sweat”
  5. Pope Francis recently stated that “Homosexuality is not a crime” and calls for the bishops to welcome the LGBTQ+ community into the church. His other 2023 revelations include: the power of the Atkins diet, a prediction that John Kerry will win the 2004 presidential election, and the 1997 movie, Titanic, is going to sweep the Oscars.
    1. It’s hard to believe God is so slow to progress. If this is any indication of how God communicates with us, then that explains so much why bullies never stopped teasing me in the 6th grade. Do you hear me God?!?!
  6. A West Virginia restaurant owner has retrieved their missing hot dog statue after it was reportedly stolen. There are currently no suspects, but the lead detective has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.
  7. Kevin McCarthy supposedly told a close friend “I will never leave that woman. I will always take care of her.” in reference to Marjorie Taylor Greene. When asked about his own wife and kids, he responded, “Oh yeah…they’re cool.”
  8. M&M’s candy will take a hiatus from the animated spokescandies that we love in commercials. Critics on both sides have blasted the candies for gendered clothing and mannerisms–Tucker Carlson even referred to the green M&M as a lesbian, the purple M&M as obese, and the brown M&M as….suspicious.
  9. Jacinda Ardern made her final appearance as New Zealand prime minister after resigning due to burnout. Her final words to the citizens were “You do you” and then she proceeded to delete New Zealand’s phone number and blocked him from all social media platforms.
    1. She’s now at an all inclusive resort in Tulum with 5 of her closest girlfriends, talking about the toxic relationship.
  10. In Hong Kong, there is a resort for rabbits while their owners are away. “What about housing humans?!” yelled the American woman with her corgi in a stroller.
  11. The Republican National Committee is set to mediate a feud within their party. RNC chair Ronna McDaniel is facing opposition, but has secretly claimed that she controls former President Trump. She later apologized for losing the users’ manual.
  12. Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ has banned the use of the gender neutral term “Latinx” in Arkansas state agencies, calling the term “culturally insensitive.” Agencies have 60 days to remove “Latinx” from state documents and are mandated to take an anti-racism course facilitated by Jerry Jones.
  13. Buckingham Palace is gearing up for the coronation of King Charles III. Prince Harry is invited, but has to sign an NDA contract before participating in the family weekend bender.

It’s your boy, Brussel Sprouts, and I’m tired of being humble

Posted on by eddisonwilkinson

It’s the beginning of the month and respect is due! I’ve been slept on for years. My previous life as a c-string vegetable was rough, but now they’re finally over. Consider this my CV. Consider this my self-delivery of roses. Consider this a receipt of why there’s not another damn vegetable who is out here grinding harder than me.

Day one: I’ve been with y’all since grade school lunches. Completely smothered and sautéed in butter (margarine if your school district was saving money). This was my awkward duck stage. However, after 5 years of deep introspection, I’ve accepted every part of me. I regret even trying to bite others’ styles. When I saw how you fawn over steamed broccoli with cheese, I thought to myself Huh? I can do that, too! It didn’t work. I felt like a tomato still trying to convince everyone that it’s a fruit.  Then there was my lowest point. I lost a lot of self-respect and just went raw in any salad that would take me. Look at me now, though! I’ve gone from elementary schools to bougie brunch spots. It’s astounding how my decades-long journey is even called an overnight success. 

My turning point came in the 2010s. I was kicking it with Kale one day. Kale went from a nobody to being in everyone’s mouth. He’s one of my closest friends and I admire him, dearly, but I’m a liar if I didn’t admit I was jealous. I couldn’t wrap my head around how an unsavory, bitter leaf became a bragging point for people who eat a vegetable once a week(Word on the street is that he sold his soul to Monsanto, but he’s my boy so I never bring it up). 

That day I flat-out asked, ‘Bruh, what’s your secret sauce?’ Aioli? Sriracha? Worcestershire?’ Ol’ dude laughed in my face, but eventually let me peep game. He leaned in and whispered, “When they’re done with potatoes, just make sure you’re versatile…also, drop the “s” after Brussels. It’s annoying.”

Now I go by many names in your gentrified streets: brussies, bru-spros, mini-cabbies. I’ve revamped my style for all occasions. I’ve gone from stove tops to air fryers, becoming a 21st century icon. I’m crisped, seasoned, and ready for whatever you need.

Need a veggie with international appeal? Call me Brussel Peters

Need a last minute, clutch side-dish? Call me Brussel Westbrook

Need something wholesome to bring home to mom? Call me Brussel Wilson

Haters out here say that I’ve become too brash. Too boastful. Too arrogant. If you want sweet, add a balsamic reduction, but don’t reduce my shine. Talk to me nice.

College Admission Essay: My Mission Trip to Delta Sky Lounge

Posted on by eddisonwilkinson

Reference

Many times we take comfort for granted, but thanks to a summer mission trip as a Delta Sky Lounge volunteer I now know the true meaning of charity. When I first arrived at the Sky Lounge, the whole community was in disarray. Danishes and apples were scattered across the floor. The coffee airpot had not been changed for the past five hours. People were heaping their cocktail napkins into one trash can instead of using the one by Auntie Anne’s pretzels. It’s unbelievable how multiple years of neglect and corruption have left so many innocent people destitute. My first task was sanitizing the area for members to safely enjoy their wraps, sandwiches, and antipasto. Although this seems like a small task, it was important for Sky Lounge members to feel a sense of pride in their community. Otherwise, we’d be no different than a Sbarro’s Pizza. 

Overtime I built relationships with the community members, like a middle-aged man named Jeff. When I first met Jeff, he was slumped in the padded seating and looked famished, as if he had not been to a COVID safe “grab-n-go” buffet all year long. No one had been around to ask him if he’d like a hot towel or blanket for at least the past month. At first, we were strangers, but by the end of the trip Jeff was family. Although we live in such different places, were raised in different backgrounds, and have completely different understandings of “business-casual”, we both are part of one race—the human race. We even learned from each other as well. Jeff was adamant about showing me his love for this archaic system called a brokerage account and portfolio. I understood some of his ramblings which prompted me to show him my Robinhood app. He hissed me away, offended that I would ever stray from orthodox investing. However, as I was restocking the mini-fridge with White Claws, I peeped over Jeff’s shoulder to discover him on his own Robinhood account purchasing Dogecoin. I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with the joy.

One of the most challenging moments during the trip was building morale amongst the other volunteers. Often when it comes to servicing others, people tend to focus on other motives such as a livable wage or compensation for labor and time. Not me. I had to constantly remind my cohort about the joys of seeing the Sky Lounge members living the life they deserve. I’d rather be compensated with the smile I see on Janet’s face when she eats her hummus and crudités. My heart sings to the melody of Marvin’s loud humming of the Smooth Jazz tunes played over the speakers.  Happiness cannot be measured in dollars or overtime but rather knowing I’m leaving a community stronger than when I arrived.

Looking back on my mission trip, I’m grateful to create an impact on a group of people who needed a champion. Since my mission trip, I’ve created a TikTok vlog to illuminate the hardships of the Delta Sky Lounge community. My hope and aspiration is to give a voice to the many people who are too parched or uncomfortable to use their own. When you first meet the Delta Sky Lounge members, you could mistake them as vulnerable, helpless, and maybe even sleep deprived. However I discovered they are made up of so many other attributes: a pinch of compassion, a dash of resilience, and a hint of bourbon on their breath.

A Solution Guide for Wearing Blackface Vol. 1

Posted on by eddisonwilkinson

My 7 year old son wants to dress up as Malcolm X for his Black History Month presentation.

Solution: Have your son share favorite excerpts of a speech with his class. In his natural face.

It’s Halloween and—

Solution: Stay home.

I accidentally overused the face paint before our Homecoming game.

Solution: Wash your face.

I won’t use black paint, but I’ll do a honey brown.

Solution: Different shade, same thing. Don’t do it.

I’m in the Netherlands for the Holidays and I really want to immerse myself into the celebration of Zwarte Piet.

Solution: Go visit a museum. In your natural face.

It was 1984 and I was a finalist for a Michael Jackson dance contest.

Solution: That doesn’t require face paint. Hope it went well.

   Okay, but what if I hit a mean moonwalk?

    Solution: …no.

It was 1984–my senior year of med school. My buddy might have dressed as a Klansman while I might have dawned an Afro with blackface. Decades later, I might lose my job.

Solution: You might lose your job.

There are no Black students at my high school in Brewer, Maine and we really want to do a production of The Color Purple

Solution: Don’t disrespect Alice Walker. Table read the script as a cast without face paint.

I don’t want to post any pictures or go out in public. I just want to stay home and watch the news on my couch–in blackface.

Solution: Um no.

I want to walk a day in the shoes of a Black person so I can build a sense of empathy.

Solution: Read a book. Also have genuine interactions with Black people, but please read a book first.