Month: January 2023

Week of 1.23-1.27

Posted on by eddisonwilkinson

  1. Kevin McCarthy promises that Republicans have no plans to change medicare or social security as they look to overhaul federal spending. He promises that republicans ‘won’t touch’ these services, but depending on the votes needed to pass their agenda he is willing to sniff it or give it a light poke. 
  2. Jimmy Kimmel has revealed Snoop Dogg’s dressing room asks, which include: “regular” Doritos, “flavored” Doritos, a six pack of cranberry juice, one gallon of Minute Maid Fruit Punch, and a bag of honey BBQ Frito chips. This list is either for a group of adult aged stoners or your second grade brother’s sleepover.
    1. “Snoop you’ve been hogging the playstation controller.”
      1. Snoop voice: If you don’t like my rules, you can lizzle my hizzle. Where the pizza rolls? I’m tired of video games, y’all f*** with Bluey??? Don’t use my daddy’s account, he be buggin about my screentime.
  3. Rege-Jean Page was deemed practically perfect for his 93% facial symmetry according to the Greek Golden Ratio of Beauty Phi, which measures physical perfection. Other nearly perfect faces include Michael B. Jordan, Harry Styles, and George Santos who self-reported a 99% facial symmetry. He’s perfect-ish.
  4. Crissy Tiegen appeared on Instagram dawning a dress that had milk breast stains or what the Florida education system calls, “Mommy’s nipple sweat”
  5. Pope Francis recently stated that “Homosexuality is not a crime” and calls for the bishops to welcome the LGBTQ+ community into the church. His other 2023 revelations include: the power of the Atkins diet, a prediction that John Kerry will win the 2004 presidential election, and the 1997 movie, Titanic, is going to sweep the Oscars.
    1. It’s hard to believe God is so slow to progress. If this is any indication of how God communicates with us, then that explains so much why bullies never stopped teasing me in the 6th grade. Do you hear me God?!?!
  6. A West Virginia restaurant owner has retrieved their missing hot dog statue after it was reportedly stolen. There are currently no suspects, but the lead detective has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.
  7. Kevin McCarthy supposedly told a close friend “I will never leave that woman. I will always take care of her.” in reference to Marjorie Taylor Greene. When asked about his own wife and kids, he responded, “Oh yeah…they’re cool.”
  8. M&M’s candy will take a hiatus from the animated spokescandies that we love in commercials. Critics on both sides have blasted the candies for gendered clothing and mannerisms–Tucker Carlson even referred to the green M&M as a lesbian, the purple M&M as obese, and the brown M&M as….suspicious.
  9. Jacinda Ardern made her final appearance as New Zealand prime minister after resigning due to burnout. Her final words to the citizens were “You do you” and then she proceeded to delete New Zealand’s phone number and blocked him from all social media platforms.
    1. She’s now at an all inclusive resort in Tulum with 5 of her closest girlfriends, talking about the toxic relationship.
  10. In Hong Kong, there is a resort for rabbits while their owners are away. “What about housing humans?!” yelled the American woman with her corgi in a stroller.
  11. The Republican National Committee is set to mediate a feud within their party. RNC chair Ronna McDaniel is facing opposition, but has secretly claimed that she controls former President Trump. She later apologized for losing the users’ manual.
  12. Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ has banned the use of the gender neutral term “Latinx” in Arkansas state agencies, calling the term “culturally insensitive.” Agencies have 60 days to remove “Latinx” from state documents and are mandated to take an anti-racism course facilitated by Jerry Jones.
  13. Buckingham Palace is gearing up for the coronation of King Charles III. Prince Harry is invited, but has to sign an NDA contract before participating in the family weekend bender.